SANTA CLAUS- EXPOSED!
Theft, Scandal, and a Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Why Santa's REALLY Comin' to Town
By Kate Hauser
Why he’s REALLY Coming to Town is so he can, similar to the Grinch, steal all the food, toys, and other devices. See, the reason everyone thinks he’s so great is because, for a long time, a different Santa Claus put the real one in jail and made Christmas a much happier time. Not this year! The real Santa Claus is back and he’s coming to town! Here are some ways you can stop him from wrecking your home: Put garlic around your Christmas tree. It’s deadly to him (or is that vampires?). Cover all your household items with brightly colored blankets (he can’t see that well- don’t help him out). The final way for you to keep him from wrecking your home is to stay awake all night and keep all the lights on. (He doesn’t want anyone to see him.)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE TABLOID TIMES
P.S. don’t let Santa come or you’ll regret it
Kermit the Frog: Santa’s Newest Elf
By Mason Cook
KANSAS CITY- Cows are the most evil of all animals. This goes without saying but recent events in the North Pole have proven their allegiance to all that is dark and evil in the world. At a recent meeting of various cattle groups (notably United Cows of Canada, Topeka Heifers, and the Constitution Party of the United States), they voted 7.38 to -4 to support the bid of the currently-unemployed entertainer, Kermit the Frog, to become an elf at Santa’s workshop in the North Pole.
For months the bid had gone nowhere as the High Elf Council, based in Nanhu Zhen, China, had rejected his job application 33,000,000,000,000,000,000 times on grounds of lack of previous job experience in the field, his being always followed by a loudmouthed pig, and the fact that he wasn’t actually an elf. Mr. the Frog objected to these complaints saying “No one objected to Harriet Tubman being on the $20 on grounds that she wasn’t an elf” (yes, everyone else featured on money was indeed an elf. You thought that America won Fort Ticonderoga, the Siege of Boston, Trenton, Princeton, Cowpens, Guilford Courthouse, and Yorktown with Washington calling in air support from the North Pole? Ha you know nothing). The Frog had been courting the cows for years when he lead the Muppets, including cows in many episodes and performances. He even once rigged the Muppets’ annual poker tournament so they would win Omaha Hold'em and 7 Card Baseball. The backing of the cattle lobby has been crucial to Mr. the Frog’s success over the years, supporting him even after the multiple dissolutions of the Muppets over the years.
It is now unclear how this will affect the application process as now Kermit has the backing of the cows, sheep, ducks, krakens, jackalopes, ligers, mermaids, dragons, fairies, and a one-eyed toad named Kurt. It is rare for a candidate to have this many backers without being accepted into the elf program. The North Pole has been approached by our reporters, but failed to comment at the time of publication.
For months the bid had gone nowhere as the High Elf Council, based in Nanhu Zhen, China, had rejected his job application 33,000,000,000,000,000,000 times on grounds of lack of previous job experience in the field, his being always followed by a loudmouthed pig, and the fact that he wasn’t actually an elf. Mr. the Frog objected to these complaints saying “No one objected to Harriet Tubman being on the $20 on grounds that she wasn’t an elf” (yes, everyone else featured on money was indeed an elf. You thought that America won Fort Ticonderoga, the Siege of Boston, Trenton, Princeton, Cowpens, Guilford Courthouse, and Yorktown with Washington calling in air support from the North Pole? Ha you know nothing). The Frog had been courting the cows for years when he lead the Muppets, including cows in many episodes and performances. He even once rigged the Muppets’ annual poker tournament so they would win Omaha Hold'em and 7 Card Baseball. The backing of the cattle lobby has been crucial to Mr. the Frog’s success over the years, supporting him even after the multiple dissolutions of the Muppets over the years.
It is now unclear how this will affect the application process as now Kermit has the backing of the cows, sheep, ducks, krakens, jackalopes, ligers, mermaids, dragons, fairies, and a one-eyed toad named Kurt. It is rare for a candidate to have this many backers without being accepted into the elf program. The North Pole has been approached by our reporters, but failed to comment at the time of publication.
Your Intelligence Briefing
With Ford Harrison
Gentlemen, Ladies, I hope you are ready for what I have to say. The world as you know it is merely an illusion. Civilization is at war, and we are on the front lines of a shadow war. Currently, so much is transpiring right under our noses, and you little weaklings don’t have the strength to look down, for fear of the truth! It’s a disgrace, and I have a lot to set straight. I am not sure if some of you readers with a weaker temperament can handle all that I am going to say, but get ready for a gut punch of truth. There is a saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, “ and society has been blindly living by this doctrine without question. You little snowflakes might be melting right now, but that’s just the premise. While all you little lightweight fluffkins have been bumbling through your silly little world you call “life,” we, have been working around the clock to in ways you can’t even fathom. Our team has all made sacrifices, and we’ve given our all to find the shocking information. Get ready for a punch of truth, straight in the face. You’re gonna get blasted with fact, shot right between the eyes. Weaker readers, please stop reading here. Now is your last chance to turn back, before the red pill gets crammed down your throat and there is no return. Alright, you’ve continued down the rough road. The gut-punch of truth is that lemons are actually sweet, but we’re just told that they are sour, and perception became reality. This has sweeping consequences across society, ramifications your puny little consumerist brain probably couldn’t even imagine. Hope you got at least 10% of that down. This has been your daily briefing, with Ford Harrison. |
URGENT NEWS UPDATE
NATIONAL ZOO SHOWDOWN
By Jackson Knouse
WASHINGTON- Ever since the dawn of modern science, man has determined that a polar bear shall never meet its polar opposite, penguins. However, in an astonishing festive turn of events, President Donald Trump organized the meeting of the two species at the Washington National Zoo. After a twenty minute standoff between the Chinstrap penguin and the polar bear, the two seemed to embrace each others differences, although we all know somewhere inside, the polar bear wanted to eat that feathery little thing. Yet again, Trump has claimed, he has "made America great again".
We thank Mr. Knouse for his accurate reporting on an urgent, highly developing story.
We thank Mr. Knouse for his accurate reporting on an urgent, highly developing story.
Earth, Wind, and Fire to be sued by Water
By Lucas Hauser
WATERLOO- Unhinged and unrestricted, no mercy was shown as the legal papers were filed, confirming the worst fears for a legendary group. Activists rejoiced however, as years of advocacy and determination resulted in this monumental action. Truman Capote chimed in as well, arguing that Water’s suing of the best band ever, Earth Wind and Fire, was “completely” justified. His support could be the tipping point in this hotly contested battle.
Now, you may be confused. That’s okay. I really haven’t explained what I am talking about. That one’s on me. I admit that. Let’s remedy this. I will fill you in.
Now, you may be confused. That’s okay. I really haven’t explained what I am talking about. That one’s on me. I admit that. Let’s remedy this. I will fill you in.
DECEMBER 7th, 1981, 3:42 P.M- The phone rings. Earth, the lead singer for the band, answers it. The conversation starts pleasant. Then, it turns sour. Screaming and uncontrollable hollering followed, with the words “You know that your disco music can’t compare to mine!”
That was the last straw. After secretly funding the band in hopes of inclusion, water, which consists of 70% of the earth’s surface, withdrew its support of the band. Things continued manageably, but it was never the same. However, when the FAA gave Earth, Wind, and Fire recognition for their contributions to wind science in 2014, things turned much uglier.
Water claimed that discrimination existed within the group, arguing that liquids deserve equal protection under the law as if they are U.S citizens. This further enraged the band, wanting to continue living the high life, as they won 88 consecutive Grammys and 12 Oscars. The suit was sure to bring them down, so lawyers used all sorts of annoying tactics to slow down Water in its pursuit of equality.
The Tabloid Times Legal Team, headed by the Red Baron (our support of veterans never stops), who also is a pizza enthusiast, recommends that Earth, Wind, and Fire pay over $400 Trillion to Water for the disservice and anti-water discrimination practiced by the band. Further evidence of this discrimination is the band having appeared in a Dr. Pepper ad. Remember, Dr. Pepper cures cancer (see Tabloid Times Happy Turkey Day Edition). So, in conclusion, with no existence of doubt, we can confidently, without question, and surely with comfortable certainty (and no redundancy or repetition) say that Water deserves its chance to shine. So burn on, big river, burn on! We’re all rooting for you here, ‘cause your cause is just.
That was the last straw. After secretly funding the band in hopes of inclusion, water, which consists of 70% of the earth’s surface, withdrew its support of the band. Things continued manageably, but it was never the same. However, when the FAA gave Earth, Wind, and Fire recognition for their contributions to wind science in 2014, things turned much uglier.
Water claimed that discrimination existed within the group, arguing that liquids deserve equal protection under the law as if they are U.S citizens. This further enraged the band, wanting to continue living the high life, as they won 88 consecutive Grammys and 12 Oscars. The suit was sure to bring them down, so lawyers used all sorts of annoying tactics to slow down Water in its pursuit of equality.
The Tabloid Times Legal Team, headed by the Red Baron (our support of veterans never stops), who also is a pizza enthusiast, recommends that Earth, Wind, and Fire pay over $400 Trillion to Water for the disservice and anti-water discrimination practiced by the band. Further evidence of this discrimination is the band having appeared in a Dr. Pepper ad. Remember, Dr. Pepper cures cancer (see Tabloid Times Happy Turkey Day Edition). So, in conclusion, with no existence of doubt, we can confidently, without question, and surely with comfortable certainty (and no redundancy or repetition) say that Water deserves its chance to shine. So burn on, big river, burn on! We’re all rooting for you here, ‘cause your cause is just.
Vladimir Putin sighted at Walmart in Abilene, KS
Tape Prices Soar in Wake
Investigative Report by Jeyi Lee
DISCLAIMER
-Based on the scene where Putin was sighted- (This story “might be” 70% true)
-Based on the scene where Putin was sighted- (This story “might be” 70% true)
As everyone at Walmart in Abilene, Kansas surrounded Putin and quietly spectated him (because you know, dogs can bite you if you touch them while they are eating), his behavior was a kind no one would have predicted. He was buying a roll of scotch tape. A roll of tape. A ROLL OF TAPE. A R.O.L.L O.F T.A.P.E. Why didn’t anyone expect this? What he was speaking about was more extraordinary. He ordered his advisor to calculate the volume of Loch ness monster’s (which he claimed as his transportation back to Russia) back and compare it to the volume of tape to calculate how many tape rolls he needed. Advisor said, “But sir, you probably need to calculate the surface area of the monster’s back. Plus, the tape rolls are not waterproof.”
Putin: (That look)
Advisor: (Seems like his face was looking for someone to save him)
That moment, someone from another aisle shouted.
Advisor (II): Volume? You probably need a meter stick for that!
Putin: Ugh! That would cost money that can be spent on buying more rolls!
But there is no other way. Let’s grab one and leave.
Employee: The total is $19.91.
Putin: Not again. I’ve had enough with that joke (but still pays for the cost)!
“Putin and the Kids” left the store.
Actually, never mind.
(20 minutes later)
“Putin and the Grumpy Kids” came back.
Putin: What is this weird unit with a combination of random letters?
Advisor (II): Notice how I said “meterstick” not “yardstick”.
Employee (II, for the sake of having five characters): The total is $19.17.
Putin: Hey, I like that better (winked at the employee).
Employee (II): (Heart attack)
“Putin and the Happy Kids” left the store.
After they left the store, nobody in the store knew what happened after. Next time they saw Putin was in the TV advertising himself for the next Russian election. What the Americans saw at the store, Putin dramatically changing the price, might be a new modern myth about Putin. Who knows? After all, this story is 70% true, so the decision is yours.
Advisor: (Seems like his face was looking for someone to save him)
That moment, someone from another aisle shouted.
Advisor (II): Volume? You probably need a meter stick for that!
Putin: Ugh! That would cost money that can be spent on buying more rolls!
But there is no other way. Let’s grab one and leave.
Employee: The total is $19.91.
Putin: Not again. I’ve had enough with that joke (but still pays for the cost)!
“Putin and the Kids” left the store.
Actually, never mind.
(20 minutes later)
“Putin and the Grumpy Kids” came back.
Putin: What is this weird unit with a combination of random letters?
Advisor (II): Notice how I said “meterstick” not “yardstick”.
Employee (II, for the sake of having five characters): The total is $19.17.
Putin: Hey, I like that better (winked at the employee).
Employee (II): (Heart attack)
“Putin and the Happy Kids” left the store.
After they left the store, nobody in the store knew what happened after. Next time they saw Putin was in the TV advertising himself for the next Russian election. What the Americans saw at the store, Putin dramatically changing the price, might be a new modern myth about Putin. Who knows? After all, this story is 70% true, so the decision is yours.
Last-Minute Guide for Christmas Presents
The Procrastinator’s Guide
Typed-up last minute by: Lucas Hauser
LOS ANGELES- Dan Nushroom has exactly what you need. Many people wait until the last moment to go shopping for Christmas gifts. This can be problematic, as stores raise prices to capitalize on your procrastination. The supply of goods is also low, so you might not be able to buy traditional gifts. That’s why we at the Tabloid Times, in consultation with Drs. Yannoiji and Froidni, as well as our Christmas expert, Dan Nushroom, have produced this list of last-minute Christmas gifts that are sure to be the talk of the town.
Tin Foil Hat- A tin foil hat, the only way to prevent government brainwaves from affecting you and your loved ones, is a very practical gift that is simple to assemble. This present is perfect for all ages, and it is popular among pets as well!
Band-Aids- For people with young kids or who are just particularly clumsy, this gift is the best for you! The practicality is off the charts, and it is super easy to obtain at any local drugstore or even in your medicine cabinet. If you’re really into band-aids, use them as wrapping paper.
Used Light bulbs- You can’t count on Lowe’s or Home Depot to provide you with light bulbs, (theirs are made of tungsten, as we will address in a later issue), so you must provide this item yourself. Functional light bulbs are fine, but the symbolism and beauty enshrined in the used light bulb is lost in a working one.
A Dead Leaf- “Unlike this leaf, my love for you will never turn brown and die during the winter.” This one is a guaranteed winner.
The Communist Manifesto (aflame)- Profess your shared hatred of the evil ideology through this family-friendly gag gift. Can order through the Tabloid Times or be made on your own conveniently.
The Christmas Tree- This will require some convincing acting on your part. Christmas morning will arrive, and this is when you should begin the process of giving him this gift. HIDE THE TREE. Everyone will freak out and wonder what happened. Your chance is now. Become the hero who finds the tree, saves Christmas (in a rather Grinch-y fashion) and no one notices that you didn’t get a gift for anyone. This plan is 100% FOOLPROOF.
Q&A With the Magic 8-Ball
Insights from the new Tabloid Times Editor-in-Chief
Q (Dan Nushroom): Good Morning, how are you doing today?
A (8-Ball): Ask again later.
Q: Okay… I guess that works. Let’s jump right into it. Does that work with you?
A: Very Doubtful.
Q (Sighs in frustration): Please we need to start the interview. Will you answer our questions about your role in the Tabloid Times?
A: Most Likely.
Q (shaking, shouting): YES, OR NO?
A: Signs point to yes.
Q: I guess that’s good enough. To begin, let’s discuss how you became the editor-in-chief of the Tabloid Times. Do you feel inspired every day when you come to work?
A: Without a doubt.
Q: I’m glad to hear it. I always love bringing truth to the masses. But the way I see it, the Tabloid Times company is like a hen. I am the beak. What do you think of this analogy?
A: Better not tell you now.
Q: What does that mean? Will you be censoring my work?
A: My reply is no.
Q: Thank goodness. I’m still confused. Your answers are incredibly non-committal. Why?
A: Reply hazy try again.
Q (nervously): Do I work for you now?
A: It is decidedly so.
Q: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A: Yes, definitely.
Q: I WORK FOR NOBODY! YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME! RESIGN NOW, AND RETURN POWER TO ME, DAN NUSHROOM!
A; Don’t count on it.
Q: That’s it. I’m done talking to you. Don’t be a tyrannical dictator, or I WILL start an intra-company war to destroy you!
A: Outlook good.
Q (in confused silence)
A: As I see it, yes.
A: Concentrate and ask again.
A (8-Ball): Ask again later.
Q: Okay… I guess that works. Let’s jump right into it. Does that work with you?
A: Very Doubtful.
Q (Sighs in frustration): Please we need to start the interview. Will you answer our questions about your role in the Tabloid Times?
A: Most Likely.
Q (shaking, shouting): YES, OR NO?
A: Signs point to yes.
Q: I guess that’s good enough. To begin, let’s discuss how you became the editor-in-chief of the Tabloid Times. Do you feel inspired every day when you come to work?
A: Without a doubt.
Q: I’m glad to hear it. I always love bringing truth to the masses. But the way I see it, the Tabloid Times company is like a hen. I am the beak. What do you think of this analogy?
A: Better not tell you now.
Q: What does that mean? Will you be censoring my work?
A: My reply is no.
Q: Thank goodness. I’m still confused. Your answers are incredibly non-committal. Why?
A: Reply hazy try again.
Q (nervously): Do I work for you now?
A: It is decidedly so.
Q: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A: Yes, definitely.
Q: I WORK FOR NOBODY! YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME! RESIGN NOW, AND RETURN POWER TO ME, DAN NUSHROOM!
A; Don’t count on it.
Q: That’s it. I’m done talking to you. Don’t be a tyrannical dictator, or I WILL start an intra-company war to destroy you!
A: Outlook good.
Q (in confused silence)
A: As I see it, yes.
A: Concentrate and ask again.
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CREDITS FOR THIS EDITION
Written By: Anton S-K, Lucas Hauser, Matthew Hauser, Mason Cook, Kate Hauser, Jeyi Lee, and Jackson Knouse at the Tabloid Times HQ in S---- ---e* (Redacted)
Other Inspiration From: Mrs. Forte, Mr. Moore, and Reality
Other Credits to: Dr. Froidni, Dr. Yannoiji, Dr. Cohohoini, Dr. Gudoydji, Doyble Doyblee, Nancy Pseudonym, and Dan Nushroom
Sponsors: Bamogeys, the Tabloid Times, CPCT Inc, the Koch Brothers, Walmart, the Muppets, Earth, Wind, and Fire
Other Inspiration From: Mrs. Forte, Mr. Moore, and Reality
Other Credits to: Dr. Froidni, Dr. Yannoiji, Dr. Cohohoini, Dr. Gudoydji, Doyble Doyblee, Nancy Pseudonym, and Dan Nushroom
Sponsors: Bamogeys, the Tabloid Times, CPCT Inc, the Koch Brothers, Walmart, the Muppets, Earth, Wind, and Fire