Welcome, to Dear Doctors, an advice column where you get two answers!
Here is where you can submit questions for Froidni and Yannoiji to answer! Form is below.
Answers will be posted on the world wide web as soon as the doctors can get their dial-up internet working. If that fails, you may hear your question answered on our "World's Only Hope" Podcast.
Here is where you can submit questions for Froidni and Yannoiji to answer! Form is below.
Answers will be posted on the world wide web as soon as the doctors can get their dial-up internet working. If that fails, you may hear your question answered on our "World's Only Hope" Podcast.
CURRENT QUESTIONS
(Older questions will be further down. Form at the bottom.)
From Taco Man,
What is love?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Like the band Foreigner and many others, this question has been asked for generations, and there is no good answer that completely satisfies the ask-er of the question. No philosopher can answer this question. But I can. Go to Wisconsin. Enter the nearest Culver's restaurant to you. Eat. That my friend is love, and it can cause a little heartburn. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Love is cool. I wish I could tell you more, but almost no one has discussed this before. Good luck on your search, i wish nothing but the best for you. |
From Master Teacher Extraordinaire,
How do I ensure that my next group of middle schoolers will be as good as the first (the first group was really good)?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Gather 3 yellow apples, 5 orange bananas, and 4 blue lettuce heads and mix them into juice. Drink the juice and hope for the best! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Finding a group of good middle schoolers isn't easy, and in fact, your current group is irreplaceable. Focus on making the current group expendable, so that your attachment to goodness will shrink. |
From the Kicker,
1. Who is super fun guy?
2. How many numbers are there?
3. If a superhero was real and named Billy Bob, would everyone named Billy Bob be a superhero?
4. Do unicorns actually fart rainbows?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
1. I think it's Joe Biden. Dr. Froidni will give you a bunch of crap about how he's the super fun guy, but don't listen to him. He has a reputation of lying and being "full of it." 2. I would say that there are around 999999999999999999999 numbers, give or take 10000000000. However, if you discover any more numbers, I'd like to be the first to know. 3. It's complicated. It would only apply to people whose first name was "Billy Bob." "Bob" couldn't be their middle name, and no one could change their name at the courthouse (cheaters) to attempt to gain the superpowers. Other than that, I think you claim makes sense. 4. Yes, obviously. What else would they do? |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
1. This is an easy one. I, Doctor Froidni, am the Super Fun Guy! I mean, with my super cool 2007 Honda Civic and my awesome lifestyle of luxury and unemployment benefits, I'm living the dream. I'm definitely happy with my life decisions. This is where I saw myself five years ago. 2. Well, funny you should mention that! I am writing a report on that very issue and it will be released in Tabloid Times 30! 3. Yes, as those two variables depend on each other. Just like all money is currency, and all currency is money. Billy Bob is basically a synonym for "Superhero." 4. No, it's not pretty. No further details on the gastrointestinal systems of Unicorns shall be given at this time. Good day. |
From Mad Batter,
What is the best way to become Batman and protect the streets of Gotham (New York)?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
To truly defend New York and get their support, you must first make many political speeches about how terrible New Jersey is in comparison. People like to hear the truth. Also, be the CEO of Google, threatening to cut off all internet things Google if the citizens don't behave. Some would call it blackmail. I call it "effective." Lastly, you need to grow a beard 32 inches long (male or female) and then do the polka in Boise, ID, before it's too late. You must act quickly; the city is already slipping away! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Hey Mad Batter, so here's how you rule Gothem City: 1. Be born a billionaire 2. Name yourself "Bruce" or "Wayne" 3. Have an obsession of buying millions of dollars of equipment secretly so that you personally can beat up people without accountability under the guise of a different name, sparking a debate over police interaction with vigilantes, which further limits your ability to fight crime, but it's really, really cool. Either that or buy a cape on Amazon. Both methods work, do whatever suits you best. |
From Slightly Less Sexy Beast,
I have Mrs. Forte for a teach, she is too good of a teach- I mean facilitator- to be real. Maybe a hologram from a different galaxy. Please elaborate:
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
That question makes absolutely no sense. There is no way that a scientist of my integrity should be answering such nonsense like this. I believe it is you who needs to be doing the elaboration. To tell you the truth, I am offended that you even asked a question which has a lacking of any scientific basis to this magnitude. I forever suspend questions from you, "Slightly Less Sexy Beast." Begone! Your pain shall last until the end of your days! Feel the horror and depression manifest itself into a desire to lash out against the liberal media and their Illuminati insiders. If you take that advice from the bottom of your heart, you will have already become my pawn. Even if you don't, I win either way. Your life is eternally ruined! Feel my wrath forever!!! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Ah, Mrs. Forte. She's the one always hanging out with her posse, including but not limited to, Isis Oasis, Yolanda Farte, Max Farte, and Negative Forte. Clearly this group is from beyond the galaxy, because the aliens of another galaxy love interfering with Earth, but only in subtle issues like Creative Writing teachers or building the Pyramids to store grain for the winter hibernation. These guys are really clever, and have infiltrated society as we know it. Every famous and rich person you can think of is in on this because they are all plotting to destroy the sovereignty of humanity. They do this through hidden messages, such as the way they designed the Fargo, ND, airport. They do this all the time, and are very sneaky. In fact, you'd probably never find the hidden truths about the world without the Tabloid Times. |
From mint chip,
How do I git gud at video games
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
If I was any good at video games, I could give you the solution that worked for me. However, I have spent tireless hours in the lab, and I can assure that the 3 following steps will make you better. 1. Run away from problems that you created but only you can solve (i. e. the Jedi, Queen Elsa) 2. In that un-useful location, make sure that you have the game console (or computer) of your choice connected to high-speed internet. 3. Practice endlessly as the world tries to find you for years (or hours). |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Mint Chip, I can relate to your struggle. But now I am a master at my craft. Being good at video games is no picnic, but if you set your mind to it, work hard, and stay dedicated, you can win the game. You've got to set goals, and be as vague as possible. Specifics and actual targets will bring you down. You should avoid having a job, a social life, or any physical fitness. These are just distractions from your dedication. Make sure you have a nice recliner chair and some potato chips. After years of hard labor on your thumbs, you will succeed. Good luck, commander. |
From BILLY JOEL,
I drink two gallons of bleach per day, but my mom is worried about ISIS sniping me for consuming their drinks. Should I use the bomb in the backyard to defend myself?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Yes, bombing your own house is the only way to save yourself from ISIS. No one will suspect them in a supposed act of terrorism. They'll understand. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
That's the worst option possible in this situation. I've watched 60 minutes before, clearly these guys want something. Just talk out your differences and see if you can become lifelong friends. |
From SEXY BEAST SEXY BEAST,
1. What is the most relevant number?
2. Let's say somebody in my dream called on to me to join the Jedi but the voice was Dwayne the Rock Johnson and he looked like the Syracuse Orange mascot. What does this mean??
3. What is the best way to invade New York???
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
1. 100,000 is the most relevant number, because it is how much money you will give to the Tabloid Times every day for the next 20 years. 2. This is a death sentence, to tell you the truth. On November 7, 2053, a man who looks like the one described in your dream will approach you, listening to the "ancient" music of the Beatles. It will barely cross your mind what is happening. Deja vu will overcome you, yet your inadequate brain capacity (from the 3rd Canadian War injuries) prevents you from reacting appropriately. Simply, you're just one of their thousands of targets. The dream is a warning sign, but you already know it's too late. 3. Have you ever read David McCullough's 1776? It describes the best way to invade New York in section II. Just replace the "British" army with your own army and "American" with your enemy's, and the book becomes the world's greatest how-to guide. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
1. Your social security number is the most relevant number, for it is the number that must be given to us if you want the Tabloid Times to do a full investigation of your Illuminati connections. 2. The dream means nothing, except that you like Star Wars, Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Syracuse. 3. New York is an objective that is near impossible to conquer. It cannot be won by land or sea, but rather only by air. You must command a force of about 2.1 million paratroopers, dogs, clowns, and Austrian yodelers. They must land on the Empire State Building, and move out in concentric circles. If you make it to Brooklyn, be careful. The only way to advance from Manhattan is to go through New Jersey and Delaware, and hit Brooklyn and Long Island by boat. Even this strategy has risks, but it's much better than trying to walk across the bridge or use the subway. |
From Mint Chip,
How do I use the force?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
With your light-saber. Darf Fader also teaches a class on Tuesdays at 7 p.m. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
You must focus, concentrate, and avoid honey mustard. Once you have all three, you'll be the next Yoda. |
From Clara Pond,
What's the doctor's real name?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
You will never get that information out of me! I will fight you every step of the way- no matter the costs! You foul swine are the infestation upon which our entire Earth rejects, fighting for freedom and the ability to rule ourselves. I will fight you on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the cities, in the hills, in the forests, and you will not win. This information will never be given to you. We will never surrender! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Well, my distinguished colleague's name is Edmund P. Yannoiji, who works tirelessly for the Tabloid Times. It's really no secret that is favorite food is deep-fried Lima beans. He goes to the bank on Thursdays and Sundays, and drives a 2012 White Toyota Camry. To answer your question pertaining to me- what are you, some sort of freak? I don't yell personal information over the Internet! It's stupid. |
From the Mad Batter,
How do I make a time machine?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Wait until there is an iTimeMachine, which will certainly smudge quite a bit, be overpriced, and won't work with your PC. However, the Samsung model causes Michael Bay-style explosions that alter the course of natural history, which makes it a hard decision for the consumers. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
There are many ways to travel back in time. For example, if you fly around the earth fast enough, time goes backwards for some reason! Don't ask why a man flying really fast in a circle makes time go backwards- it just does. |
From SEXY BEAST SEXY BEAST 2.0,
How do I open a time rift?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Buy a very long metal pole, preferably made of manganese. Strontium will do, but manganese is the best. Now that you have a pole, trade in your car for a 2001 Pontiac. Doesn't matter the model, just a 2001 Pontiac. Now, drive as close as you can get from where you to Colorado (if you live there, drive towards Colorado Springs. If you live in Colorado Springs, drive towards Boulder), but only go the gas station no more than 3 times, or the time warp will send you back to the big bang, which was rather noisy. Find the nearest source of clean freshwater. Hop in the river, pond, lake, or puddle with the pole and 3 computer mice hidden in your shirt and you will open a time rift. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
It's actually not that hard. Spacetime is very fragile, and is often working overtime to hold itself together. But if you pay attention, you can find glitches in the Matrix, err, space time continuum. Reality tries to save itself, but there are many errors, and spacetime is like a House of Cards- when something goes wrong, it's very hard to fix. I recently found a rip in the fourth dimension when I checked my oven clock. It read 7:32. But when I looked at my microwave, the time was 7:31. Clearly this is a wormhole on a minor scale. To answer your question, get your hands on some plutonium and speed up to 88mph. Then you will have the time of your life! |
From Elegant Alligator,
I seem to develop dry skin during the winter months. Am I turning into an alligator??
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Dry skin does not lead to alligator-becoming behavior. However, one can become a gator by attending the University of Florida, which is an easy way for all you Floridans out there. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Clearly. No further questions at this time. I'm done with this witness. Court dissmissed. Have fun being an aligator! |
From Isis Oasis,
Can we please discuss the Elf on the Shelf? Stalker lessons for kids? Preparation for Big Brother style government? Is this Elf really and agent of Santa Claus? If so, maybe Santa isn't who we think he is...
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Not only is the Elf on the Shelf a marketing scheme, it is a preparation for a new wave of evil, spying, and the NSA, who like to hack into them and steal all of your secrets. RUN- I SAY! JUST RUN! GET OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU CAN! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Hey Isis Oasis. Good to hear from you again. As we all know, Santa Claus is the Man Against Humanity. He invades the privacy of everyone's homes on Christmas Eve, and people celebrate it! We live in a backward era where people willingly buy a spy to put in their house and observe their family. Clearly the Clauses are in cahoots with the Ingsoc, preparing for 1984 to become a reality. |
From Max Farte,
What is it about Tom Brady? Is he actually human? He seems almost too perfect to exist. More Illuminati tricks?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Many things about Tom Brady and his programmer, Bill Belicheck, suggest a lack of human life behind the faces. Brady's tendencies to be perfect are questionable, and Belicheck's lack of ethics or knowing when the score should not be run up any more (59-0 against the Titans in 2009) confirm these findings. However, they have been officially demoted from "immortality" status because of Manning. Brady clearly had Peyton Manning's number over the years, but Eli Mannings only two Super Bowl victories came at the expense of Tom Brady, who has only lost the big game then. Eli Manning has saved us from a god living amongst us on earth. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Dr. Thomas Edward Patrick Bradiford Jr. III, or known as "Tom Brady" to you mortals, is nothing more than the Illumaniti demonstrating their power. For previous generations, the Communist Party in cooperation with Water Fluoridaters and the Freemasons all controlled the Sports Industry. The refs, the players, the audience, all controlled. The Illuminati had not get gained its full power, until they created a superhuman to strike back- Tom Brady. But the masons responded by creating one of their own- Payton Manning, We all know who won in the end. |
From Isis Oasis,
Are we slowly being brainwashed by the pumpkin spice industry and Mike Smith? What is their end game?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
You've caught on quicker than most. That makes you a target. Do you know how many agents the pumpkin spice industry has around the globe? Every time you see a Starbucks, you know they're there. Their resilliance is immense, and their plot will succeed if we don't hurry. Time is working against us. I can't reveal this whole scheme to the whole world on the Internet, for their minds cannot comprehend its magnitude. Just remember, if you see a grizzly bear wearing an LA Dodgers hat at Caribou Coffee, you know it's over. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Well, to be honest, I don't know right now so I'll cover up my lack of knowledge with a bunch of jargon. You see, the intracacies of the linear phase shift alignment in the synergetic paradigm core functions prohibit the failure of incomplete inability of not possesing a value-added monetized asset holding its infastructure in the marketplace via the internet and bleeding-edge next generation technologies. Infortunately, the Illuminati is gaining tractions with its resources in the allecation procurement market. I hope this opens your eyes and helps you udnerstand the situtaion. |
From Napoleon the Pig,
I couldn't Help Reading Hughbert Jazz's question and I believe you meant that all extras are equal, but some extras are more equal than others. How was this mistake made?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
You filthy Stallinist. You've betrayed every value of true communism in your hunt for more power. Captialists, real communists, and anarchists have you as the bane of their existence. Remove yourself from my world, or you will face the consequences until the end of your days! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Good Day, comrade Napoleon! As a fellow Revolutionary in the Animalism cause, I agrree it's time topruge all those who support the treasonous Snowball. We know that all Extras are equal, but clearly "Dear Doctors" is WAY more equal than anything else on the site. Enjoy Manor (Animal) Farm! |
From Jane June,
In my lilac garden I found a bomb scheduled to destroy the world yesterday. I believe it was planted by my town's local orange juice farmer, Hickory Dickory Dock. Can you please tell me how to make it explode so that I can get rid of it? Thank you for telling the world about the hidden truths.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Pour gallons of kerosene, gasoline, nitroglycerin, and gunpowder on top of the bomb, light some matches, and watch it blow! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
You must detonate this bomb before the Sisterhood of Beavers get their slimy paws on it. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS PERFECTLY, and do them as you read. If you don't you made defuse it. 1. Use a crowbar and whack the side open. 2. Drill a hole on the top until you see wires and a glowing red light. 3. Take a hammer to the red light, do that. 4. But first, cut the yellow wire. After this, it should go BOOM. If it doesn't send it into our lab for further analysis. |
From George Kramer,
My elbow hurts a lot. Can I blame it on ISIS? What medicine should I take to cure my serious pain in the elbow?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
ISIS is the only explanation for elbow pain. Think about it. All people who are terrorist have at least one elbow if they were born with elbows. So that makes elbows especially vulnerable to being terrorized. Let me see if I understand the situation correctly. You hit your elbow on the desk, and ISIS made you do it. Now, your elbow has a twitch in it, moving to the right uncontrollably. You must take cough syrup and a variety of multivitamins and aspirin in order to cure yourself. Also, you need to join an ANTI-ISIS apocalyptic death cult. That way you can seek revenge, sweet revenge. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
With your condition of elbow pain, it could almost be twitching. I'll arrange for you to meet the Tabloid Times medical staff. If it is all good, we'll have to operate. We don't put you through the horror of anesthesia, so you won't be uncomfortable from being put to sleep by gas. If ISIS is truly behind it, write a report to Illuminati Victims Anonymous. They are professionals, and they can investigate. Don't do anything Yannoiji just said. His advise seems like it was written sarcastically by a con artist. Be wary, trust no one. |
From good boy,
mom not come back in hours! i think she was kidnapped but can't come to door to rescue! What do?? Who will do the petting?? Am not dog!!
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Woof! Woof! Bark bark bark! Translation: You needn't panic. People disappear randomly throughout the day, and it can be troubling for our canine friends. I know she's been gone a while, but when she comes back, you'll be so happy, she'll make up for all of the missed petting. Also, don't forget to drink water from what may or mayn't be a bowl. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Dear good boy, I know someone who's had the same nervous problems as you. The best thing to do is sit at the door patiently. If you can't do that, take all the furniture in the room and "redecorate." Everything is a chew toy, err, opportunity! Right, you're not a dog. Anyway, then build a nice tower. If you build it, they will come. |
From Sandy Blue,
I think I broke my pinkie toe, should I ice it or use heat? Should I take any MAOI inhibitors for the pain?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Do the hokey pokey. Keep the foot with the broken toe in the air (e.g put your left foot in over and over again). You should Ice it until it turns blue and then heat it until the skin burns. Then ice the burns and heat the frozen bone. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Use only ice. Or else you'll get caught up in the heat of the moment! Also, you should go to the doctor to see what kind of medical treatment they provide. I don't mean an establishment doctor. They would try to put mind control microbes into your toe. Think about all of the problems that could cause! Use MAOI inhibitors depending on the weather. |
From Yolanda Farte,
Why is it called "Alcoholics Anonymous" when everyone starts by saying their first name.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
You've got me there. I haven't got a clue. Wait. I can't admit that! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Because they wanted the acronym "AA." And when they say it's anonymous, people come. Then Illuminati Agents take their names. Bwahahahahahahahaha! |
From Isis Oasis,
Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
The secret Illuminati bobcat closes the door. Did you imagine something else? |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
You may not like this answer, but the door doesn't close. The scientific law of bus doors states that it must be closed by the driver. When getting out of the car, the driver relinquishes their status as driver. Zeno's Paradox also insures that the door never completely closes, so long as Zeno was right. |
From Max Farte,
Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
It was either that gun-nabbing liberal Hillary Clinton or my friend WHO STILL HAS CRUMBS ON HIS FACE TO PROVE IT! (Dr. Froidni, denial is the first sign) |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
It's very simple. My distinguished "colleague" Doctor Edmund Yannoji, is the culprit. |
From Martha Marthason,
I just had a baby. It seems like it cries a lot. It's annoying me. It's like that little thing is mooching off me. Is there any way to turn that thing's volume down? Thanks.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Welcome to my world. Try working with Elbert Y. Xylophone, Dr. Froidni and Dan Nushroom 40 hours a week! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
All babies come with a secret switch that powers them down. You just have to find it. It you can't, buy earplugs, and good luck. |
From Meow Meowington,
I recently read an article of an early release version of the Tabloid Times, the Inside Scoop on Reality, and have discovered an article about my island of cats. Please write more articles about me. Thanks, Meowington MD.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Who leaked you the information? Was it the communists? Fascists? Tumblr feminists? Who gave you this information? Don't do anything so foolish as leaking it on the most honest site ever! That information is a lie, and Froidni is playing along because he's a cat man. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Funny you should mention that. I lead the research on your island of cats, and I find it amazing. I just hope you found a way to solve the urine smell crisis. Once you do, I may make another visit, this time out of a gas mask. Let me know. Froidni out. |
Hughbert Jazz,
Is Dear Doctors better than the historical fact center? Do you believe you are the best on the "Extras" chart?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
There is no "best page," silly. All of us at the Tabloid Times HQ love working with each other and have no preference or bias towards our own material. We are all equal, and none are more equal than others. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
We are better than any of the other pages. We are put as a second-class page by being put under "Extras." Like critical advise is "extra!" We're not even listed first. We deserve more respect,and we're the page in the whole gosh-darn universe. |
From Alvin Arbitrary,
What do I do when I have cancer but am too lazy to get treatment?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
The Most Important thing is to remain calm, pull your act together, and SEE A DOCTOR OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE YOU STUPID IDIOT! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Cancer is all in your head. With a mandatory donation to the Tabloid Times ($5,000 required, but we love overachievers), we can come to your house and care for you. We'll take away any items in your house that may pose a risk to you, such as jewelry. It'll be fun, and educational! Just make sure you can pay the bill. |
From Isis Oasis,
Okay, so by now we have all realized that Donald Trump is something we need to deal with. People rarely admit to supporting him, yet he keeps on winning. He doesn't play by the rules and is admired for this different approach as he doesn't come off as a politician. Is Trump a marketing genius or a political genius? Also, is he a racist or just a really insensitive person?
Okay, so by now we have all realized that Donald Trump is something we need to deal with. People rarely admit to supporting him, yet he keeps on winning. He doesn't play by the rules and is admired for this different approach as he doesn't come off as a politician. Is Trump a marketing genius or a political genius? Also, is he a racist or just a really insensitive person?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Trump is a marketing genius! Think about all of his wildly successful products, such as Trump Steaks, Trump Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump University, etc. He is such a marketing genius; he used his political campaign to advertise his own products! However, his marketing abilities don't compare to Doyblee and his "Doyblee Matchboxes." Also, I don't really know what the word racist means. I've heard it before. I should Google it. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Trump has impressed a large number of people by his success. But he'll meet his match in November when our own Doyble Doyblee destroys his campaign. Trump won't know what hit him. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe. I'm going to stop there. Also, he's not racist, he just has a "sensitivity towards people in general" issue. |
From Isis Oasis,
Why do people from Holland wear wooden shoes?
Why do people from Holland wear wooden shoes?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
|
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Have you ever tried wooden shoes before? They last forever. The Dutch must not prioritize comfort, but rather practicality. It's like the Prius of shoes. Also, they can make the wood into paper, and recycle! It's good for the environment! My question for you is the Dutch are from Holland, but their country is called the Netherlands. Why is that? |
From Isis Oasis,
So, I'm making a plan for the end of the world and am hung up on a few things. By the way, I'm pretty sure that an EMP is going to be the source of this event. Do I help others or should I go it alone, hoarding my supplies, shelter and weapons? Also, I can only have one weapon, what should it be? Do I head north or south? Inland or towards the coast? Urban or rural? Since I'm pretty sure this is going to happen, I want to be prepared. What career/field should I pursue in order to be ready?
So, I'm making a plan for the end of the world and am hung up on a few things. By the way, I'm pretty sure that an EMP is going to be the source of this event. Do I help others or should I go it alone, hoarding my supplies, shelter and weapons? Also, I can only have one weapon, what should it be? Do I head north or south? Inland or towards the coast? Urban or rural? Since I'm pretty sure this is going to happen, I want to be prepared. What career/field should I pursue in order to be ready?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Everyone has a legitimate reason to believe that the world is going to end for one reason or another. Your EMP idea is good, but I think I have a better one: UFMs (Unidentified Flying Muffins). UFMs are more dangerous than any baking good that could levitate in the history of the planet. Also, you should buy a house below sea level in the swamps of Louisiana with only one floor and no sump pump. From there, you hoard supplies and use twitter and YouTube to stay connected with the world. You could get an internet career. The UFMs will never find you there. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
You are smart for preparing for the end of the world. While every doomsday prediction we've had hasn't caused total annihilation, we're hatching another that will work for sure. Here's a clue- Cows are secretly aliens! To answer your question: If you feel an EMP may end the world as we know it, go directly to Manhattan. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You should try to be a NYC Farmer as your career choice. There may be a bit shortage of land, but farming in Manhattan is your best hope of surviving a world without Internet. |
From George Orwell,
I was once growing up on a farm. The problem is, these pigs threw us out and tried to run the farm themselves. What do I do? It looks like they're building a windmill.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Your situation is a little complicated. Although you'd think that the pigs would eventually take advantage of the lesser animals and eventually become more human-like, you should try to take back the farm right away. The animals are still grouping together. The windmill project could destroy your chances of recapturing the land. You should hurry before they finish their successful project. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
The root of bacon is pigs, therefore, society treasures pigs. Once you show them that, you can get the pigs back on your side. These animals may worship an ideology called Animalism. Don't worry, they'll eventually get over it. Try to corrupt a leader pig so that they betray all their values subtly and eventually become a puppet of you. Don't worry, this story will have a very happy ending. |
From Kermit the Frog,
Will my new T.V show make Ms. Piggy any less stubborn? And what are considered acceptable scores for Frogs on the SAT?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
YORE NOO TEEVEE SHOE IZ VARY OSSUM. YOO MITE MAYK PIGGEE LES STUBERN. YOO DOENT NEADE AN SAT SKORE. IFF YOO TUUK THUH TEHST, YER SKORE SHOOD BE ATT LEIST SEVENN HUNNDREDD. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Your new TV show is great, and a moneymaker for you. Ms. Piggy only becomes more stubborn with more power. The acceptable SAT score for a frog of your intelligence (or lack thereof) is 15. |
From Isis Oasis,
Is the pardoned turkey on Thanksgiving kept alive for the rest of its natural life? I hope so or this pardoning thin is really a sham.
Is the pardoned turkey on Thanksgiving kept alive for the rest of its natural life? I hope so or this pardoning thin is really a sham.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
The pardoned turkey of the previous year is served for dinner at the President's next Thanksgiving.. The Turkey Rebellion of 2010 was when the bird rose up against the farmers. The farmers quelled the uprising by tossing corn in the other direction. |
DR. FROIDINI SAYS
The turkeys are allowed to live the rest of their natural life, but get no Secret Service protection, and are often assassinated by the Illuminati before their next Thanksgiving. |
From Isis Oasis,
Why are Batman, Captain America, and Ironman considered superheros? They don't have any special powers and rely completely on technology and specialized weapons to fight crime. Aren't they just cool people with regular toys?
Why are Batman, Captain America, and Ironman considered superheros? They don't have any special powers and rely completely on technology and specialized weapons to fight crime. Aren't they just cool people with regular toys?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Actually, they are heroes. Heroes are just cool people with regular toys or people with inexplicable, impossibly, and outrageously overpowered super powers and a cheesy background story behind them. Super heroes also have to act in the public's interest when it conflicts with their own, usually. They also have to have a fatal flaw that never seems to harm them when it really counts (i.e. they survive). |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Each "hero" is a different case. Captain America is a normal patriotic citizen, interfering with police actions with weird weapons. Iron Man is a rich guy in a suit. Batman isn't a hero at all, nonetheless a superhero. But he can take it. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. The Dark Night. To answer your question, Batman is cool, Iron Man is a hero, but not SUPER, and Captain America is an overly patriotic person. |
From Santa Claus,
I'm worried that a drone might collide with my sleigh on Christmas Eve. Can you provide me with a safe flight path?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
I recommend flying through the Middle East, Over the Pentagon and other areas in D.C, Russian no- fly zones and U.S military bases. I know for a fact that you've avoided them out of fear of being shot down, but you ignore those areas in doing so. They deserve presents made by tireless and union less elves. Avoid large cities because it will be hard to navigate through the buildings and recreational drones. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
I suggest avoiding the Middle East. It's currently not a good time to travel. The last time I went to Syria, there were all these people driving around fake tanks and doing hyper-realistic battle reenactments. The best advise I can give you is to contract Amazon to send its own drones to deliver the gifts. In return, they get 10% of your cookies. It's a win-win. |
From Edades Krylon,
Dear doctors. a wizard recently put a spell on me that made my face relocate to the anterior of my lower abdomen, and my navel was relocated to where my face used to be. Essentially, the two body parts have swapped positions with disastrous effects... Whenever I get near someone in an attempt to greet them (I have learned to navigate using my sense of smell and hearing), they flee in shock from me. You doctors seem to be a source of vast knowledge, so I figured you could help me reverse the spell. Is that correct?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
I'm sorry you got attacked, but you're right. We can reverse the spell caused by a depressed vulture (they are unpredictable) disguised as a wizard. Read the following poem while laying upside down in bed to reverse the spell.: One with natural beauty in their lives blossoms like the wings of a hornet. Those who eat low-quality leather spew out their guts. Rhyming is overrated. That's what I stated. Happy Birthday Dr. Froidni (although a bit belated). Don't you loves, how better my verbs be conjugated? Bitter batter better butter bought books. Another one bites the dust. Hey, Hey! After doing the instructions above, you should return to normal within 24 hours. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Your attacker was probably in the Slytherin Illuminati. They are the only ones who can cast that magic spell. To solve your problem, try holding a wand to your face and yelling "Stupify!" at the top of your lungs. If you don't feel immediate effects, make a potion. My suggestions for top ingredients are Nitroglycerin, vinegar, baking soda, greed food dye, butter, and Garlic. Never forget the Garlic. Stir counterclockwise 12.5 times at your second highest stove setting. Make sure to use a uranium or plastic cauldron. Try putting the potion on your navel. It will make your navel feel so bad that it will move back to its rightful spot to avoid the potion. Do the same thing for your face. Then, to feel better, take a bath in lemon juice. I hope I helped! |
From Albert Einstein,
How many molecules are in a computer atom? Who can get me a photon blaster for personal use?
Thanks, Bert
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Dear Al, As one of your long-time friends, I'd like to say thank you for your continued support, even though it might be posthumous. There are 46 molecules in a computer atom. Coincidentally, that is also my favorite number. I can assure you that my algorithms are correct (come to our for proof). Computer atoms are essential for the electron structure of a PC. Unfortunately, ever since the Ghostbusters stopped doing birthday parties it has been increasingly hard to get a photon blaster for recreational use. But I can tell you how to build one. The process is simple: Get a big tube (this is the hard part). After you get the big tube, close one end off so that there is only one opening. Drill holes in the tube (this is where the photons will go). Tacky-glue a trigger onto the tube filled with holes. And finally, create a compartment by the trigger that has your photonic fluid. Add an adapter, wi-fi signal, and a bunch of cords here and there to connect things and voila! You've just built yourself a photon blaster. Say "hi" to the old gang for me, Bert! |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Dear Al, You were truly a great scientist. It is too bad that you didn't get to see the Rosenbergs sell the Manhattan Project to the Illuminati at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. One of the most successful Illuminati missions ever. Luckily, after that, your invention didn't cause to much risk to anyone. Atomic Bombs never really affected history after that, but your legacy still remains. The amount of molecules in a computer atom is based on the source code input module hyperdrive storage space. Each free megapixel counts as one molecule in that computer's custom computer atom. Sometimes the hyperdrive can be a little buggy, but it'll fix itself. To get a photon baster, you have to go a fruitcake incineration plant. Those plants can only use those, along with forks and knives, to destroy the fruitcakes. Just find one on your 1940's-esque Smartphone. Hope I helped! Tell Ernie a "hello" for me, Bert! |
From Avian Imitator,
Am I a bird if I eat eggs and tape feathers to my arm? I want to be a bird, but I fear I might have to get surgery. In that case, are you guys certified bird surgeons? Since those are like doctors. Y'know, forget all of that, I'm a bird right now! My surgery is scheduled for December 18, 2015 at your HQ! Thanks.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
As a doctor of many sorts, I am proud to say that your bird surgery is possible. More people have had it than you would think. Why do you think that the bald eagle is making a comeback? But before we begin on the 18th, we need to make sure that you understand the requirements for the surgery and what it means. To be able to participate in a bird surgery, you need to let us have records of all of your medical history and clear your digestive system of any food or water for 36 hours. If you sleep for most of the time, it'll be more bearable. Also, make sure that you have filled out the brochure we'll send you in the mail. You need to select what kind of bird you want to be, and if you want to keep your human brain. Making money as a bird may be difficult, but some may recieve a huge bonus around Thanksgiving time. To answer your question at the beginning, yes, you are a bird. Enjoy your time as an undocumented bird. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
It is very important that you already have the bird mentality. Doctor Yannoiji is a self-certified tool guy, anesthesiologist, and mechanic! He was able to beat his own criteria! I am a Biologist, Bird Watcher, and a Dentist (close enough to a Surgeon, right?). To make sure you are ready for this operation, we have some basic questions that you must be able to answer on the day before the operation by phone. 1. What kind of Bird would you like to be? (includes gender, size, etc.) 2. Do you have health insurance? (not recommended) 3. Do you have any connections to the Illuminati? 4. What are the passwords to your computers, phones, and bank account? 5. Are you ready for this procedure? 6. What do the numbers mean? Then you will be sent to be one of our outpatient medical centers. Our HQ location is too classified to be revealed (hint, It's not Iowa). You must be clear of lonicumite pills for 3 days in advance. After the surgery, you may not have the full transformation. If you take our certified Bird-Pills for 3 weeks, the process should re-initiate and you will soon have a few more feathers. Note: You may notice that seagulls are not listed as a bird option. That is because we have classified them as flying rats, not birds. As for why Geese is not an option, we just hate them. |
From Natascha Peponik,
I've been thinking of planting a garden. I've heard about a bush called the "Jr George Bush." Do you think it is a good idea to plant one of these?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
The "Junior George" Bush is rare, but it does grow naturally in the United States, specifically well in the southern areas. It hasn't been very popular for several years, but it still has similar components to the "George" Bush that bloomed in the late 80s and early 90s, but then disappeared. Unfortunately, due to the decline of both "George" Bush fads, I don't recommend planting them. However, the "Jeb" Bush is growing in numbers and may be the next big thing. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
The Junior George Bush was popular for many years. Many believe that it was genetically altered to become the next big Bush boom. Its major rival was the "The Gore-Leaved Al." A small minority believes that the other product was better. The Junior George Bush was based of the "Original George Bush." While they have gone out of Style, I recommend planting them. They are very Environmentally Unfriendly, and are subjective and territorial with other plants. Just don't put them in an Iraq Flower Garden. The Junior George Bush is a great option. The same company is developing a "Jeb Bush", which is supposed to be an enhancement. But before the results are in, it is a safe bet to rely on the Junior George Bush. |
From Captain Crestliner,
Dear Doctors, My question is two-fold. I'm having a baby soon, at least that's what my wife's doctor keeps telling us. I'm worried it's going to be a redhead like me. A) If it's a redhead, how am I to be sure it has a soul? B) How young is too young for hair dye?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Dear Captain Crestliner, If this were in person, I would give someone of your prestige the utmost respect and salute you and say "sir" and stuff. Maybe shake your hand every few minutes. Although I feel repulsed that you took advice from doctors other than us, I'd better answer your questions. Don't be worried that your baby might be a redhead. It's perfectly normal to not have a soul. My friend Dr. Cohohoini secretly soulless, although it is very hard to tell. It is easy to figure out, however. Once the baby is 3 months old, set up Call of Duty or some mindless shooter game on the computer, XBOX, etc., and then see how the baby reacts. If they know how to play, I have some unfortunate news for you. Secondly, there is no minimum age for hair dye products, if your child turns out to be a redhead. That can easily and artificially be fixed. Also, don't forget to budget sunscreen. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Ah, the world of redheads and babies combining. To figure out whether it has a soul, check is soullessness runs in the family. Then do some research on your wife's side. Soullessness is recessive, except for redheads. Then determine if YOU have a soul, which is easily checked by looking at your belly button. If it is an outie, I have some bad news for you. But that only applies to grown redheaded men. Your baby's soul portion will have to be determined by genetics. To answer your second question, while 7 months is usually the minimum hair dye age, I highly recommend a toupee, which can be used from birth, and low maintenance. Try some new styles, and change it up! The baby will look great, and feel snazzy. |
From Mrs. Orange,
Dear Doctors, My husband eats too many oranges and I fear his skin will turn orange, but he is deaf so I can't tell him to stop. I also don't have hands or feet and he can't read or write. I am considering dancing as a form of communication, but he might not interpret it. Could I have some help?
DR. YANNOJI SAYS
Your predicament is actually a bit rare for how common it sounds. It happened with radishes to Dr. Froidni's cousin. Luckily, from solving that ordeal years ago, I know how to deal with your problem. Your idea to dance was actually a good one, mostly, except for the parts where it was all wrong. If you know how to hula dance, that is good because that's the essential part of the saving of him. After getting a good costume on, preparing your dance, playing a five-pixel video game, and wearing a kite on your back, you should feel pretty confident. The force will be with you know. The only thing you need to do is recite Moby Dick while doing the dance with the hula costume and the kit on your back. The nuerofluid in your husband's mind cells will tell him that the oranges are hurting, not helping him. After being uncontentious for a few weeks, he will return to good health. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
I believe that there is a much more diplomatic situation to this situation. Dancing can damage furniture. I suggest you order some prosthetic hands and feet over the internet (you may want Siri or Google Voice for this one). You can grab your Husband's hand and use it to type is necessary. After that, order a economy size vomit pill. Using your new (and clearly not counterfeit, it's from CHINA) hands and feet, slip the vomit concoction into your Husband's oranges. With this plan, he'll never want to eat oranges again. Just remember to eat a few yourself to make sure they work. |
From Yolanda Farte:
Dear Doctors, We all agree that the moon landing was faked, right? Photos from the supposed event were all set up by Stanley Kubrick. The shadows are all obviously way off. The picture of the flag rippling in the wind takes the cake. What wind??? On the moon? If the U.S. Government wants to operate with complete trust and transparency, which is doubtful, than they should fess up to this enormous coverup. We know we're better than the Russians. The Russians know we're better than them. Time to move on. Thoughts?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Dear Yolanda Farte, thank you very much for reannouncing these facts. Unfortunately, we don't always have the time to cover everything, but you just words out of our mouths. Another thing to notice is that you don't see the stars. There is no scientific answer to that except for the moon landing being a hoax. Also, thanks for reminding everyone that Americans are superior no matter what in any situation. That is a nice factoid. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
You are a model citizen, finding truth withing the truth. Currently, NASA Productions is planning to do a remake of the 1969 landing. They're pulling in A-List celebrities, such as Sarah Palin. They have a few D-Listers in as extras, such as George Clooney. It will be directed by Alfonso Cuarón, due to his space-movie experience, and some Sci-fi action inspiration from George Lucas. The SpaceX program and staged Pluto Mission are to build hype for the remake. The release date is unknown, but it's time people start thinking about the remake, which will hopefully have a better plot. |
From Dan Quayle:
Dear Doctors, First of all, I want to know how you made this awesome website. What did you have to do to accomplish such a feat? Secondly, what do if you're in a staring contest with a toad and it goes on for more than 10 minutes? I may or may not have been in this situation. I want to know what to do if this event happens (again). That toad has concentration. Third, what if during the staring contest with the toad it jumps onto my back? This may or may not have happened also.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
We are flattered by your praise. Who knew a former vice president would be so involved with current issues? The fact of the matter regarding the construction of the website is simple. We download the cloud upload files from the user interface zip drive port and converted it into our disk space, while taking up no wifi megapixel data. After that, our cellular output thingy beeped and we knew it worked. To answer your other questions about the toad, you should clap in front of the toad's eyes or jump right in front of it. It may be cheating, but it's better than losing to an amphibian. If the toad jumps on your head, count to 100 by 34s (make sure you count exactly to 100) and then yell "I AM A DING-BAT" for everyone to hear. It will work because toads avoid ding-bats. Duh. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
We made this website with the magic of Windows Vista and Dial-Up internet working together. Yannoiji did all the nerdy and useless coding stuff. When you are in a staring contest with a toad, there are certain points where you need a strategy change. 1. Each Mosquito or seagull the Toad eats will provide comfort, but ultimately get you closer to blinking. Try to endure them for as long as you can. 2. The Toad will try to move. Establish the rule that no motion is allowed. Recommended Cheating Methods: Try hitting a sledgehammer next to it. If it moves, it has lost. Try putting cheese curds in front of it. If it eats them, it has lost. Secretly blink by rubbing your eyes and pretending it's allergies. |
From Sir Fartsalot:
Dear Doctors, Why does a fart smell?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
This is a classic question that we are glad you have asked. Most people don't know the real, scientific answer to this question. A gaseous release of awful-smelling fumes is called a fart. These are usually considered rude and disgusting. Farts are caused when the human jangoo organ releases ionic fluid. That fluid smells like the jangoo itself, whose smell is only compareable to that of semi exhaust and skunk spray. Luckily, the human body naturally reduces the intensity of the odor, and sends it out, thus causing a fart. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Most people just accept things like this. Most things should be questioned, but are left unanswered by science and politics because of stuff. A fart is a digestive irregularity that causes gas from your Flablunt to be released to the atmosphere. The cure to this is removing the Flabulnt. Unfortunately, if your do that, you will be unable to play the Didgeridoo on a Unicycle while juggling. The doctors don't want to ruin your life, so they just have you accept the problem. The Tabloid Times has been researching a way to remove only part of the Flabnut. If we find a way, we'll let you know. |
From Ted Cruz:
So I have been looking for more ways to prove the truth about Global Cooling to the world, but the commies in the EPA keep denying it. Despite the fact that the evidence is right in front of them (there is still ice in Antarctica, so things must be getting cooler) they still insist on the absurd notion that the Earth is actually getting warmer, and it's our fault! In another attempt to bring the truth to the world, I have prepared a comprehensive graph of the temperature in my butt for a period of one week. The overall trend is a declining one, and I hope that is enough to convince the public. However, I may need more to show those stubborn extremists that they are wrong. Can you provide me with anything? P.S. Great website. I have it bookmarked right next to Fox News.
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
You should be careful when addressing this topic to the public, for the extremists are growing in strength and control more and more of society as we speak. You must stop this liberal invasion of our society. Also, there is no evidence that the globe is warming. I, too, have a graph of my globe that proves that climate change is a hoax made up by the communists to regulate the economy for the sake of regulation. Also, deny all credibility of scientists that aren't us. 97% of the scumbags that consider us their "colleagues," also believe in this complete lie. I went to Arizona, a warm area of the country, and noticed that over some time, the temperature went down, not up. Even though my air-conditioning bills have gone up, my globe decreased in temperature. This shows that the utility companies are in on the scam too. Don't let them lie to you! Here's a good chart: |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
I've recently done of ton of research on this topic. All those liberals at CNN and other news outlets assume that "Global Warming" is true. I recently went to Antarctica, which the other scientists says is getting "warmer." When I went there, I did temperature readings, I realized that it was indeed getting colder. In fact, the summer solstice, the last day I measured, it was they coldest of all! I made a chart that should convince those stubborn extremists that a noble moderate like you is correct. The Penguin-Illuminati relations are at an all-time-low, so the coldness is purely from global cooling. While the penguin civil wars are not over, there was a cease fire in place when I went there, so even that couldn't affect the temperatures of the Antarctic Heartland. Here's your chart: |
From Kim Kardashian:
The bottle of aspirin says for me to take as directed, but when he shouts “Take 1” and I reach for the aspirin he shouts “Take 2!” I think he’s up to 20 now, and his shouting is making my headache worse. Could he be trying to keep me from showing the world what a smart person I really am?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
This is a tragic problem that haunts millions of Americans, but most of them are too embarrassed to address the problem. Thank you very much for coming forward so that we can answer for all of those suffering from your situation. To answer your question, do as the bottle of Aspirin directs you to do. You are not a doctor, nor am I, and we should not be the ones to judge the situation. Yes, if you trust what the bottle tells you, the world will realize that your IQ is slightly above 34. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
I've consulted the Tabloid Times medical division, who gave me some advanced medical training, and we have concluded that there is a Pill Weasel in your Aspirin. They are programmed into medicine labels to try to get you to take their medicine more. I suggest that you either invest in lonocumite pills, or our neurofluid pills. You'll need to throw out that bottle of Aspirin, and buy another for good measure. About your intelligence reputation, it stinks, but in the good way. |
From Cady Heron:
Dear Doctors, like, my parents think I am like totally addicted to my phone. And they are like these evil tyrant fascists who like, want me to spend more time reading and being with the family. Ummm, hello? I'm reading updates CONSTANTLY on my phone WHILE I'm sitting on their lame couch with them. Duh! I probably read more than they do. Addicted? Please, can we all just calm down?? I think my parents are life ruiners. They ruin people's lives. I like, totally relate to this quote right now: "Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hmm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People like totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become o.k. for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that is not what Rome is about. We should like, totally stab Caesar!" Brilliant, right???? Except I don't want to stab my parents. So, here's my survival plan for the summer: I'm like, going to get my parents (strong word alert) "addicted" to their phones so we can all just like, live in harmony. Do you PRESTIGIOUS and awarded doctors have any suggestions for making this happen?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
|
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
You've already done some good things. For a start, you've admitted that your summer depends on family harmony. You've also adopted a summer survival plan. Now, it's time to get your parents addicted to their phones. I've done some studies on lab rats and llamas, and concluded that parental and family harmony is based on phone attachment. (Let's use that word. Addictive sounds too harsh.) To get them attached, which is unlikely due to your failed work ethic, you need to start by trusting yourself. You'll need to download as many free games as possible on their phones. Then, you'll need to get a friend to send them a text at dinnertime, if they try doing that annoying talking stuff. When they unlock their phone, it will be pulled up to one of the free, attaching games! And bam! It's done. Do the same thing for the other parent. Then you can all live in true peace. |
From Bob Fribber:
I used to yell at my boss every day. Suddenly, I got fired. I was blaming myself but after reading the Tabloid Times, I'm wondering if the ILLUMINATI is secretly responsible. How should I be thinking about this? Thanks Tabloid Times!
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
I don't see how it could be the Illuminati. One day your boss is an angel that you prefer to yell at instead of converse with normally, and then the next day he's a demon sending you home looking for a new career path. Your boss is just a two-faced creature we like to call James Davis, or JD for short. On one side, he is a total jerk that deserves to be yelled at, but on the other side, he is secretly an Angel crusading against the evil forces presented by the Illuminati and the Government. He fired you because he knew that your potential or lack thereof should be used somewhere else. Shouting had nothing to do with it. I actually recommend doing that. If you want to look for a new career, try coming to us at the TT. We could give you a shot at our Radical Political Debate Division. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
I've contacted my insider to the Illuminati. He only investigates the upper level leaders. Purging of employees at jobs is handled by lower levels. To determine if it was the Illuminati consider the connections you or ones you know have to the Illuminati. If your connections aren't strong, then there is a chance that it was the Illuminati. I assume you were horrible at your job, but also extremely helpful and courteous. Yelling at your boss was a huge mistake and probably cost you your job. But there comes a time when you need to take a stand, and show your boss your true feelings. I'd say the Illuminati was definitely a possibility, but probably more about your work behaviors. The Illuminati probably just gave your boss permission to purge your job. |
From Helen James:
How do you solve a toe jam?
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Toe jams always present challenges unaccounted for when the "jammed" person tries to solve the situation. Your belief that a toe jam is easily solvable is not a good sign for solving the problem. Those who don't believe they can make the situation better are the ones who can most easily adapt to the toe jam and then get out of it. I'll give you a variety of options based on your intelligence. 0-75: Go to elementary school again or work as a clerk 75-125: Simply call the tow truck! 125-175: This one is tricky. You need five yellow markers, and three loaves of french bread. Draw smileys on the ground or floor below you while swallowing the loaves of bread whole. 175+: You know what to do, Mr. or Mrs. 3 Masters Degrees. |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
A toe jam is an interesting problem. It can be overcome with determination and hard work, which you obviously don't possess. If you just try your best, and follow my instructions you can do it! 1. You must Identify which toes are jammed. 2. Make sure that the toes aren't jellied. 3. Try to remove the jam with a power drill and crowbar. 4. If you are unsuccessful, go contact your nearest toe jam surgeon and make an appointment immediately, but only in the morning. In the afternoon, the doctor may diagnose you incorrectly. 5. Believe in yourself, and have fun! You most certainly will fail, but trying is what counts! |
From Max Farte:
Let's Assume Adam and Eve Were Real People. Did they have belly buttons? -Max
DR. YANNOIJI SAYS
Yes, Max Farte. Why wouldn't they? |
DR. FROIDNI SAYS
Interesting question. To approach this one, I had to go to the Creationist Fact Center for the Tabloid Times. Max, this is a classic case of chicken and egg rolls. If there was no chicken, how would we get egg rolls? If there were egg rolls, how could the chicken industry advertise itself as healthy? In short, Adam and Eve were created by Illuminati ninja snakes. Snakes have no navels. In fact, navels is fun to say. And, navel come from people who were born. Adam and Eve were born in a different way. Through Illuminati Ninja Snake Eggs. To answer your question, no. |
From Donald Trump:
Dear Doctors, I am once again considering running for President of the United States. I think I have a real shot this time against that blond stiff Hilary Clinton. My question is, should I stick with the comb-over? I feel like that might have been what was holding me back in the past. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks, The Donald
Dr. YANNOIJI SAYS
Dear Mr. Trump, you should definitely keep the comb-over. It adds to your swag and your "presidential" look. In fact, Barack Obama has a comb-over. And his wife. And his best friend. It is a new fad that you should get into. Also, make sure that you wear socks and sandals whenever you make a public appearance to ensure that the people know that you are a serious, stylish candidate representing their future. |
Dr. FROIDNI SAYS
The Donald, I'd like to credit you for joining a hopeless race, bringing inspiration to all who hate the tyrant Hillary Clinton. The comb-over is a horrible idea, and you should believe in yourself and try to grow some of your own hair. If you are unable to, which is unlikely due to your determination, give up because it's futile. |
From Joe Schmoe:
Dear Doctors, Are the rumors that Mr. Calamito is actually an advanced government EXPERIMENT INVOLVING technology that harnesses pure awesomeness, and SIPHONS into one perfect human being actually true?
Dr. YANNOIJI SAYS
I had to call in some favors in the scientific community to solve this one. It was not easy, however. Some of them were true liberal scum. They pretended to know what they were talking about, but I could see right through their petty attempts at convincing lies. I pity the men and women who fall for the liberal media and the "scientists" that make "accurate" studies to help guide our society. Also, I have living proof that Mr. Calamito could in fact be the experiment mentioned in the question (don't ask me how). To answer your question, yes. |
Dr. FROIDNI SAYS
Hmm. I've done a recent research on the Government's secret experiments through an insider to the Freemasons, and I've discovered that the government has been doing things in that field. One machine they made was a chair with a Wi-Fi hotspot and Bluetooth! So there could be a possibility that Mr. Calamito is a government experiment of awesomeness, but my insider would probably have had more clues. The major evidence is rumors, which add more weight to the theory. To answer your question, it is likely, but there is a little conflicting evidence. |